I actually cannot remember when I last posted a general life update ramble so I think this post is very overdue. Something happened last month which I guess has triggered it off, and I believe things happen for a reason and I'm trying to stay optimistic. I will just get to the point:
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Blogging has been the best and worst thing thats ever happened to me. That is genuinely how I feel about it for many reasons. I am obviously grateful for all the oppportunies and the awards and I have loved all the fun experiences and to reassure you guys, I am NOT QUITTING blogging! It is still my dream career to pursue it for as long as I can and I want to GROW. When I say blogging has been one of the worst things, I mean it has ruined me mentally.
Working from home means..well, not getting out much! Most days I may only talk to my Mum and my sister face to face so my interaction with people has dropped massively, whereas before blogging I was working in Topshop having the confidence to talk to anyone! I feel okay when I go to blogging events but I am always reassured knowing that several people are in the same boat as me and we all have things in common that we can all relate to.
Now for a while I have considered getting a job. Admittedly I am missing a payday because it stresses me out so much waiting for invoices to clear and I hate not knowing when the next paid opportunity will be. I could have an okay month, but then I will start to stress about the month after and so on and so fourth. Working from home has meant a lack of routine, no bedtime and it's always been my rules. Sure I have the motivation to work most of the time, but there is never any sustainable income which I miss and I know it's what I ideally need in order to move out.
So luckily, at my Dad's business there was a receptionist role coming up and the hours were PERFECT! I would finish at 1pm every day, meaning I could work on my blog for the rest of the day and it would mean not having to worry about money so much. The business is a car garage (I have never had a massive interest for cars), but I have done reception in a previous job and I literally thought 'well how hard would it be?'.
Have you ever got so drunk from a night out, where you wake up the next day and all the memories from last night feel like a blur? Plus you feel super humiliated when you realise what actually happened? Thats how I felt after having an anxiety attack on my first day of work.
I mainly remember the early morning drive into my first day of work and reality hitting me in the face, knowing that I would be doing this job day in and day out for a very long time. Was I going to enjoy it? Probably not. I have never been into cars, but I was hoping that the convenient hours and money would make it so worth while.
I'm not sure if it was the thought of going back into work. I'm sure not if it was the fear of facing customers again. I'm not sure if it was the fear of getting up early (I'm naturally a night owl and forcing myself to sleep at 11 was my biggest dread), or the thought of talking to new co workers. I'm not sure what started it, but I was sat in that reception chair for less than a minute and I was already welling up and dashing to the toilet, where I hysterically cried and called my Mum. I remember my mum telling me to get a grip, and I remember saying I felt petrified.
My shift was meant to be five hours, and I only lasted three. In that time I was trying to calm down upstairs in my sisters office, but whenever I neatened up my make up and felt ready to sit back on reception again I started to panic again and the water works started. My last hour consisted of me and my sister sitting on reception together (she suggested I sit with her because I might have felt more at ease), but I was still silently sobbing and struggling to concentrate.
I don't think I could have faced the whole day. I was already feeling sick and I had the worst headache when I arrived back home. I think the last time I hysterically cried that much was when I found out that my parents were separating and that was years ago! The rest of the day I recovered in bed but I felt the biggest slap across the face the following day. Both my sister and Dad didn't want me coming back into work (I'm not surprised), and they also felt that I probably wasn't suited to the role.
I am so frustrated with myself and I still don't understand what happened. I look back and it feels like a distant memory. I have done reception before in a previous job and I always got complimented on my customer service skills when I worked in retail. This is when I have to sadly say blogging has damaged me mentally. I never experienced anxiety before blogging, and my confidence has hit a massive low since working from home and I am constantly surrounded by my own racing thoughts.
But I am working on it.
In the next couple of weeks I am going to having a consultation for hypnotherapy. I am fed up of antidepressants and the thought of medication changing the imbalance in my brain sounds off putting, plus I have never fully benefitted from it. I want something to naturally change my mindset and something to maybe make me see differently and I want to worry less. A lot less. Don't get me wrong hypnotherapy may not work for me AT ALL! But I am opened minded to it. When you have been on an off medication for years with little or no results you do start to get desperate.
So I will definitely blog my experiences on that! I want to look for other jobs but again, I am scared that things will repeat itself and I can't let that happen. I want to feel more prepared and I want to feel like how I felt before blogging. I feel like I am in my own little social media bubble where I love showing all of you any new clothes or outfits. Thats when I do love what I do and I get such a buzz out of it! Sadly, too much of anything can be bad for someone so I want to get the balance right for me and I want to feel more like my old self.
On the plus side though, I have lots to look forward to. I am going to Creamfelds festival in a few days time, and I have got my holiday next month. If the hypnotherapy helps, I want to take the next step and move onto Youtube, because I would love to vlog my holiday or any exciting days out. I'm naturally a chatty person and I want to share that through a camera because I do think it's sometimes hard to express your personality through typing.
I feel better for letting off some steam! I hope I didn't ramble too much! I will keep you updated and will let you guys know how I get on with the hypnotherapy sessions.
Has anxiety ever knock you back? How did you overcome it? Any handy techniques? I would love to hear!